i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
