My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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