living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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