I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So much Jack, so little girl.
Who died my cat blue again?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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