so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
