DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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