I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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