I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
