Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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