Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize