if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize