Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
