I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
