There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
