I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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