just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize