I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
