The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
