I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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