The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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