I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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