Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
