You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's official drugs can't kill me
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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