I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
