You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
