Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
