your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
