Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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