you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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