saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
