Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
