oh god the rape fog is back!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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