When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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