you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
