Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
