make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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