My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
