I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize