Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
