i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
