I am puke
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
