Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
