I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize