Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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