I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
