Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
