so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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