Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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