She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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