your parents love me but you hate me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
