our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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