i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
