Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
