So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
