Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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