i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
