but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
