not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
