He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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